


The End Gives the Past

by Elisiyre



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Fix-It, Ghost Drifting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Incorrect canon/altering of canon, Incorrect medical procedures, Insomnia, Mentions of survivors guilt, No Romance, Or fake fix-it?, Panic Attacks, RABBIT'ing, Raleigh need a hug, Slipping into insanity, Suicidial thoughts (there will be warning in notes), Swearing, Time Travel, Who Knows?, incorrect science, just a little bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:42:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21991639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elisiyre/pseuds/Elisiyre
Summary: Disintegration /dɪsˌɪntɪˈɡreɪʃ(ə)n/ the process of coming to pieces.To fall into pieces dosen't require someone to be whole, but to make somthing whole anew demands the unbroken. Raleigh wakes up after Pitfall in medical to face what seemes to be his brother.
Relationships: Raleigh Becket & Chuck Hansen, Raleigh Becket & Mako Mori, Raleigh Becket & Yancy Becket
Comments: 16
Kudos: 27





	1. Meet the End, Greet the Past

_ “My father always said, if you have a shot you should take it. So let's do this.” His father… God he’s gonna miss that old bastard, he hopes he can live on and forgive him for not surviving the bloody apocalypse... “It was a pleasure sir”  _

_ Pentecoste nods his head at him, not saying anything. But it’s not needed, they are connected by the drift after all. But it still blindsided Chuck when the former Marshall knocked him out. _

_ It felt like he disintegrated... _

_ 〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜 _

_ Her lungs were burning, everything had turned distant to quickly. Mako tried to fight it, to clear her mind. It… rained. The noises were endless, beeping, warnings, a robotic female voice, a male voice. Raleigh. _

_ “... We did it. I can finish this alone, all i have to do is fall… Anyone can fall.” Suddenly her lungs were filled, breathing got easier, but she still couldn’t quite voice anything or move. The rig moved around her, this isn’t how it should be, they should end it together. It happened to fast. She was in one of the escape pods, the pressure on her eardrums lessening so quickly it felt like they would explode. _

_ Disintegration meet her. _

_ 〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜 _

_ His lungs were burning, his body was hurting. Raleigh yelled as he stumbled from the platform he stood on, hands desperately grasping onto the ledge. Frustration rose from his throat as he dragged himself up, he has to finish this! The con pod squeaked as it continue to shake around his crawling form. He managed to grip the handle to the sealed override, pulled the hatch open, and stared down at it Soon, soon this will be over.  _

_ “Manual override initiated. Core meltdown in T-60” the statement filled him with relief, he was done. Even if he didn’t make it to the surface, their victory is guaranteed now.  _

_ When he finally managed to eject his own escape pod, everything started to blacken.  _

_ He disintegrated. _

〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜

_ Raleigh... _

For a long while everything was just darkness.

_ Common kiddo. _

It was kind of nice, he didn’t want to wake up yet...

_ Wake up, Becket boy. _

Tendo? He felt himself slowly waking, which was weird. He’s always quick to wake, unlike his brother had been. Yancy, his co-pilot, co-pilot… Mako? Raleigh's senses flooded him, everything was to bright, there was beeping noises and that empty yet disinfected smell in his nose that spoke of hospitals and the medical ward.

He blinked, squinting at the brightness trying to regain his sight. 

“Hey Becket boy, that’s a good long nap you took” Tendo is standing beside him. It takes a moment before the spots leaves his vision. Tendo looks younger, lighter, but still there’s a slightly pinched look on his face as he peers down on him. Having the breached, hopefully, closed would probably do that to a person. Raleigh turns his focus to his body, he is not patched up anywhere, but then again he didn’t really get physically hurt in Pitfall as he recalls. He seems to be hooked up to different monitors though. 

“How are you feeling?” He turns his gaze back on Tendo, his hair in his usual updo. Raleigh felt a flash of nostalgia hit him looking at the man, Tendo had an old LOCCENT given uniform on him, one he hadn’t seen either him or the others wear since before he left PPDC behind years ago. 

“Considerably well” his voice comes out kinda rough, it scratches his throat and he involuntarily rocks into a sitting position as he starts coughing. Tendo puts a hand on his shoulder. 

“Easy, Becket boy” the try att reasurans doesn’t help Raleigh at all, it’s like his body has its own grudge and make him couch harder just out of spite at the statement before calming down. “... doctors, they will want to check in on you.” Tendo squeezes his shoulder lightly, looks at him before finding whatever he needed before walking out of the room. 

After Tendo left the room Raleigh lays down again, staring at the ceiling. Everythings odd, now that he has really come to. Medical has always been really thorough and nit-picky about procedures. Shouldn’t he be in an isolated ward? The kaijus are toxic to humans and most living things on the planet, having been exposed to the Anteverse would probably call for isolation if medical got it how they wanted. Or had he been here for so long that potential exposure had been cleared? Had he been in a coma? He looked around the room, there was another bed but it was empty in the wall-less room. Where's Mako? Has she already left medical?

Raleigh's thoughts was brought short as a man and a woman in doctors robes entered the room. None of them was someone he recognised, but that’s not too weird considering how long he had been at the Hong Kong Shatterdome. Maybe he wasn’t even at the shatterdome anymore? He dismissed the thought, the Domes medical had a special look to it that other hospitals didn’t have, it would be to depressing. Raleigh tries to clear his throat.

“Hi...” he greets them, squinting at the nametag of the closest one.

“Hello Ranger Becket, I am doctor Miller” he says with a mild-mannered smile. “And this is neurologist Hughes” he indicates with his head towards the short woman behind her. The woman is a tiny brunette but she doesn’t seem frail, a no-nonsense kind of vibe emitting from her person. Raleigh nods his head at them. Her presence would be expected, considering his second time drifting solo. Dr Miller beckons for him to sit up, adjusting the top part of the bed so Raleigh can half sit against it. When he feels comfortable he turns his focus back on the doctors in the room.

“Well, you must know more than I do, care to inform me?” he tries to smile, but it’s slightly strained. He hopes Makos here somewhere. The woman, Dr Hughes, steps closer to him. 

“We will come to that, but first we just want to check with you what the last thing you remember is” He stares at her, seriously? His brows furrow at her, before sighing dejectedly. There is no sense putting up a fight, the quicker he answers all their questions, the quicker he gets out of here and can find Mako. He considers the question. Raleigh recalls the time in the con-pod on the other side of the breach. How he had given his oxygen to Mako, sending her to the surface, all his action until ejection his own escape pod. After that, all that comes to Raleigh's mind is disintegration. His eyebrows pinches, he recalls a feeling of painlessly falling into a thousand pieces. Huh, strange, maybe it had something to do with the solo-drift? God knows he can’t recall much of his last stint solo-drifting. 

Raleigh is just about to retell this to the doctors when a third person barges in, stealing all of Raleigh's breath with dirty blond hair and concerned blue eyes zeroing in on him. It feels like his chest has turned to ice, his head swimming, he has to be hallucinating. 

“God kid, don’t do this type of shit to me” the person, that looks like motherhecking-Yancy-Becket, has a voice that’s identical to his brothers. Not-Yancy's face looks relieved but at the same time worried as he comes up besides him, putting a hand on Raleigh's wrist. Raleigh can’t do anything but stare up at him, the sound of his voice is like balm on his ragged soul, but it can’t be real. This can’t be Yancy, he might look like him, but Yancy’s fucking dead. DEAD. 

Raleigh notices the increasing rate of the beeping, a heart monitor, at the same time as he notices how his heart is trying to beat out of his chest. Suddenly it’s like his body is racing out of control, he can’t get enough air but it’s also like his lung are to full. Hands are gripping on to him.

“Raleigh, listen to me…”

_ “Raleigh, Listen to me!” _

His chest feels like exploding, he rips his hands to him clawing at it. Someone grabs his hands, holding them hard enough that he can’t claw at them. He hears shuffling, but it’s far away. He tries to rip his hands back.

“Raleigh, calm down please, I’m here. Look at me. Kiddo” He snaps his eyes upward at the voice. Yancy. Oh god Yancy. He pushes his hands toward him, the hands holding his, Yancy’s, releases him as he reaches for his brother. Yancy leans over him, his mouth moving but Raleigh can’t grasp any of it. He gets his arms around him and cling to him. Yancy half-falls on him with the pulling he does, their chests pressing together. 

“It’s okay Rals, it’s okay, breath with me” Yancy's voice is calm, calming, but there’s a forced quality to it. He hears shuffling, his own rattling breath but also strained, wounded sounds. It takes him a moment to realise it’s his own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave all the comments; love, hate or constructive are all welcome


	2. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raleigh comes down from his panic attack to, well, whatever this is...

It took a while to calm down. Yancy,  _ not-Yancy _ , didn’t move farther than reaching distans, mostly sitting on the bed holding on to Raleigh in one way or another. Raleigh felt drained, the doctors had been fluttering in and out of the room, not wanting to set him off further but wanting to be on hand to give something calming if needed. 

When the doctors had seemingly deemed it fit for their return, they re-enter the room with the Beckets,  _ the Becket and the not-Becket _ .

“Ranger Becket, can you answer some questions or do you need to rest first?” Dr Hughes ask, her face perfectly neutral. Well, Raleigh wouldn’t want to play poker with her. He mulls the question, he’s tired yeah but he needs some answer to all of… this. But is there really any answers? Is Yancy even besides him or is he an illusion? 

“Let’s do it” Raleigh try to say it with some conviction behind a smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He doesn’t look at not-Yancy.

“Was it my question that triggered you?” 

“No” she looks like she wants to follow up with a question, but she doesn’t voice it. He recognise the tendency, he's had a few panic-attack, knows the drill. People will tip-toe around you afterward, not want to trigger you again. Raleigh is relieved by it, how do he say that his not-brother triggered it? His not-brother that might just be a trick of his mind. Not-Yancy tighten his hold on Raleigh's left hand reassuringly, concerned eyes trying to gain eye-contact.  _ Okay, maybe not a complete trick of the mind. Would I feel him if it were?  _ Raleigh refuses to turn his head to whoever the person next to him is.

“What is the last thing you remember?” Raleigh knows his answer, but the entire situation is far to unsettling, his mind a bit occupied on other thoughts. What if not-Yancy isn’t an illusion, but everything is an illusion? “Ranger Becket?” Not-Yancy shifts, and Raleigh instinctively looks at him. Yancy typical I’m-worried-but-trying-to-hide-it face looks so real Raleigh has to look down. He doesn’t answer the question. 

“Do you know where you are?” Dr Hughes tries instead.

“In medical” She gives him a look, obviously expecting more but not getting it. She continues on “Please state your name, rank and age.”

“Raleigh Becket, ranger in the Pan Pacific Defense Corps co-piloting Gipsy Danger…” He stops and turns to look at not-Yancy. He doesn’t identify his co-pilot, it feeling wrong to voice Mako’s name in front of someone that looks so much like his brother and acts like him. They had already given away his position, if they called him ranger then he was a pilot, and if “Yancy” was here it mean that it’s before his death in this  _ dream _ , but if he is an illusion and depending how long he had been unconscious...

“Absolutely no younger than 18 and hopefully not yet 27” Raleigh tries to give his best smirk turning back to the doctors. Dr Hughes gives him an unimpressed look, Dr Miller sighing behind her. Raleigh can practically feel not-Yancy glowering at him at his side. 

“State your time of birth and current year then, Ranger” her voice informs him just how unimpressed she is, even if her face is only slightly wavering from her impassive neutrality. 

“Eleventh december 1998 and…” well, it was 2025 when Operation Pitfall happened, but if he had been unconscious long enough it could be 2026. Would they really ask him that if that amount of time had passed? 

“Hopefully not yet 2026?” he tilts his head innocently. He can practically feel the heavy sigh the person besides him let’s out. Dr Hughes give him an at the same time annoyed and contemplative look, before sighing dejectedly. 

“Today's date it january fifth, 2020…”  _ After their fourth kill, before Knifehead, _ flits through Raleigh's mind “You have been unconscious since january third, when you unexpectedly collapsed.” Okay, that settles that, Raleigh thinks. This is some weird RABBIT-dream-thing caused either by solo-drifting och lack of oxygen, or maybe both.

“Considering your inability to answer some of my questions, be it your wit och your memory, you will perform a complete brain-scanning tomorrow at 12 hundred hours” Dr Hughes states, before turning around and walking out of the room. Dr Miller shakes his head slightly before giving his verdict.

“Ranger Becket you have no physical symptoms, nor damage from hitting the floor. You’ve showed no signs of brain-swelling, respiratory, cardiac or other organic failures. Quite frankly there seems to be nothing wrong with you beyond simple examination, except having been unconscious for two days. I want you to stay for observation the continuing 14-hours until your brain-scan, there will always be a doctor on call and nurses will be checking in every hour. Until we have analyzed your brain-scans and done a physical evaluation, you will be grounded for medical precautions.” Brain-scan in 14 hours at 1200, it’s 10 pm then in this place, Raleigh reflects, simply nodding along to what dr Miller says. 

Of course Raleigh is aware of time perception being wrapped in dreams, it could have been minutes in reality while this proceeding seemed to have lasted more than an hour, and in the blink of an eye maybe he will be somewhere else. But how would that work in a RABBIT-dream though? It isn’t exactly something he was taught in the academy. Raleigh must have spaced out again, or maybe it was the time diffusion because of the dream, but dr Miller must have said something before he turned and left him with Yancy.

Impression Yancy. Dream Yancy. Dammit. Suddenly he feels terrified. This is a RABBIT of sorts, but his brother? 

Yancy shift besides him, Raleigh’s eyes filts to the movement, then traveling onwards up to his brothers face. Shaded blue gray eyes looks searchingly back at Raleigh. Yancy's dirty blonde hair is sticking out in every direction, like he have run his hands through it repeatedly. The thought line on his forehead is prominent. Raleigh can even see the faint few scars on his face. The little one on the right side of his upper lip from one of their many brawls, and a slightly longer one curving on his left jaw from that one time he fell face first on of the few hikes they did as children and sliced his face on a rook, among a few other ones.

“Well you’re a sight for sore eyes” he jokes lighty. Raleigh can’t remember his brothers face this clearly anymore outside of the memory recall in the drift, it makes him happy seeing him so clearly again. Yancy cocks an eyebrow at him with a amused twitch to his lips.

“Heh, yeah you slept longer than i usually do kiddo” Yancy humored him, before concern once again became prominent on him. “You really scared me you know.”

“Sorry Yance” Raleigh said, regret seeping into his voice. Even if this is a dream, Raleigh always hated disappointing or worrying Yancy. Yancy has always been there for him as a child, and God only knows where Raleigh would have ended up without him after their dad left. Raleigh looks down on their connected hands. He can feel Yancy's calluses over his own nuckles, his warmth seeping into his hand. It really feels disturbingly real, but that’s drifting for you. 

“Do you really not remember what you were doing before you blacked out?” Yancy asked. Raleigh shrugged.

“I have no idea what i supposedly” -  _ because this isn’t real  _ \- “did before this” he answered honestly. Yancy still clearly showed concern, but the unnervedness only flashed quicky in his eyes before he schooled his features. If Raleigh wasn’t looking directly at him he would have missed it. It was really Yancy typical behaviour.  _ Of course it is, he’s always known his brother well and they drifted for more than 3 years _ , his brain could certainly recreate perfectly fitting behaviour for his brother. Raleigh didn’t feel like talking about anything that made either of them concerned. 

“But i do remember that time when we were kids and i managed to climb a chair and salted the stew on the stove and then later you got shit for it from Maman for being the only one of us supposedly big enough to do it.” Well, that’s certainly a way to change topic, Raleigh thought at his bable. Yancy’s chin dropped in shock, eyes widening comically, clearly not having anticipated the word spewing Raleigh did, before a deep belly laugh rocked him. His eyes squinted, laugh lines clear and teeth flashing in his smile. Raleigh had truly missed Yancy's laugh, well, really anything about him honestly. Yancy’s shoulder rocked slightly as his laughing became more of a chuckle. 

“You know what, I really should’ve known that but I have never reflected on it you little shit.” Yancy squeezed his hands. Raleigh felt a little lighter, small bantering had always been in good humor between them. 

“Well, you’re well aware that people's mental capacity wears with age old man” Raleigh said with a cheeky grin. I felt so easy to slip into the bantering and age jabbing when the perfect picture of his brother was before him whole, even though it had been years.  _ I’m older now than Yancy got. _ The thought only flits quickly behind his eyes but his mood dropped, but Yancy didn’t seem to notice, occupied with rolling his eyes.

“Not when you’re seven smart-ass” he answered. Yancy halted, the kind of halting you do when you’re not moving. _ Okay, now he noticed. _ Uncertainty flitted over Yancy at Raleighs mood swing. Well, Raleigh had mostly been in happy spirits after he and Yancy entered the jaeger-program, the bouncy and cocky younger brother of the two. That’s not to say he never had bad day’s or shifting moods, but Yancy always seemed to be able to predict them, or kind of understood why Raleighs mood shifted when they did. Not wanting to witness a rare awkward Yancy, Raleigh opened his mouth.

“You know old man, you look a little tired, isn’t it time for your beauty sleep soon?” Dammit, he didn’t want to make Yancy,  _ the impression of him _ , to go away yet. Yancy snorted.

“Well yeah but I’ve missed my baby bro who decided on having a different sleeping schedule than I, so I’m gonna stay a while.” A trickle of relief ran through him.

“Or you could take the other bed over here and sleep instead of falling asleep leaning on a wall walking back to out bunk.” Raleigh pointed to the empty bed with his free hand. The possibility of Yancy falling asleep standing up was slim, but there had been close calls.  _ Yancy the crowned napping king, like a damn cat _ . Yancy looked at it, seemingly considering it before nodding. 

“Sounds like a plan, kinda hard to sleep without the background noise of your snoring these days.”

“Hey! I don’t snore!”

“Sure do kiddo.” Yancy gave him a shit-eating matter-of-fact grin before rising from his seat and releasing their now clammy hands.  _ I don’t bloody snore.  _ Raleigh glowered and wiped his hands on the mattress, before sticking out his tongue childishly at Yancy when he had walked around the other bed again facing him. Yancy just shook his head before pushing the empty bed over to his side, then climbing up on it, facing him. 

Nostalgia came over Raleigh. He had spent most his life sharing space with his brother. When they were younger they shared a room, only having separate rooms for a few years before maman succumbed to cancer, and dad then Jazmine leaving. And since they joined the academy they have always shared a bunk. 

  
Time trickled on, and Raleigh continued his small bickering and reminiscing with his memory-brother. Eventually Yancy fell asleep,  _ the lazy bastard _ , eyes closed and his face calm and relaxed. He looked so whole and peaceful, the feeling seeping into Raleigh’s soul, deep into the marrow of his bones. Even though there is a slight guilt nagging at him in the back of his skull, one that never went away after Yancy’s death, the moment made his soul feel settled. Raleigh, feeling calm and peaceful, watched his brother breathing in front of him until he himself slipped away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was wierdly hard writing parts of this, when I wanted to go "Yancy's concerned showed through", because everything is really only what Raleigh perceive them to be. A Raleigh-only perspective. Jupp.
> 
> Please leave a comment on what you thought about this chapter! Any comment is a good comment in my opinion!


	3. MRI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raleigh wakes up in the early morning still in the RABBIT-dream.

Raleigh slowly gained conscious, in the kind of way you do when your well rested and your body gets to decide on it’s own to wake up. First a vague awareness, and then slowly things from the outside registered until suddenly he was fully conscious. Background noises of beeping and surring reached Raleigh. Sounds like medical, he thought. But shouldn’t he be in the escape pod? Or didn’t he wake up and he’s now in medical? 

Raleigh opened his eyes, staring at the bare uncharacteristic too bright ceiling, a disinfected smell filling his nose.  _ Yup, Medical _ . He was just about to do a mental check of his body when puffs of breathing on his side distracted him. Turning his eyes to the sound he saw… Yancy?! Raleigh instinctively flew up into a sitting position, staring wide eyed at his brother.

What the...?  _ The RABBIT _ . Memories of yesterday… Erm, the dream of yesterday, came to Raleigh's mind, reminding him of what the situation supposedly was. Dream Yancy stirred slightly, probably disturbed by Raleigh’s movement, before stilling again. 

Raleigh laid back down again,  _ when had the bed been lowered? _ , still having his gaze intently focused on his brother. Raleigh felt conflicting feelings stir in his chest. He’s still here,  _ Yancy  _ is still here. But Yancy isn’t here, Yancy has been gone for years now. And as much as Raleigh always wished and will always wish to see his brother again, shouldn’t he have woken up to the real world by now? He had silently, if only to himself, promised he would make it out of Gipsy and back to Mako. Raleigh couldn’t live with the idea of leaving Mako like Yancy had left him. 

Of course it’s not the exact same thing. Yancy and Raleigh had spent most of their lives side by side, but drifting with someone creates a special bond of trust and truth between co-pilots. Raleigh had found a sense of purpose again with Mako at his side, and Mako had finally felt capable of fulfilling her own wished for purpose with him. Even if they only had known each other for such a short time, and shared so few drifts, he knew that she had felt a sense of belonging, of finding herself fitting like a pusselpiece to the side of his soul and happy with it. Just like he had with her. Raleigh couldn’t spend forever here, nor could he die, he couldn’t leave Mako now. Especially not when she’s just lost Stacker. 

His gaze must have wandered of while deep in thought, because the feeling of being watched made him return his focus to Yancy. His brother was watching him with groggy, considering eyes.  _ The ventilation is annoyingly loud when it’s quiet.  _ How long had he been deep in thought? Or more accurately, how long time had it been deemed to the dream and the dream reacting to it? Wait, is that even a thing? Dreams have to react to the person dreaming of course, but... Ugh, is logic even a thing in dreams?

“I would say good morning sunshine but i know neither the time nor are you ever particularly bright when you’ve just woken up” Yancy gives him a deadpan stare, or as good as one he can do while having just woken up.

“Har har” Yancy fished a phone out of his pocket, the old PPDC issued one he used to have, squinting at the bright light when flashing the screen. “Well it’s 4 am, it’s too early to even start thinking.” Yancy stated, shoving the phone back in his pocket. Yancy then turned his scrutinizing gaze at him. S _ o much for not starting to think Yance _ , Raleigh snorts in his mind.

“You good?” 

“Yeah, just been sleeping to much.” Yancy hums lightly, his eyes getting glazy but seemingly trying to stay focused on Raleigh.

“You sure?” Raleigh sighs. 

“Go back to sleep old man.” Raleigh answered affectionately at his nagging. 

Yancy eyes seem to gain more focus for just a moment, considering Raleigh before deeming his wondering at whatever okay, and then promptly falling back to sleep. Raleigh watches him, feeling a tad jealous at his reminder-of-a-brother for being able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. 

Yancy’s breaths calm and rhythmical. Listening to it is like some peaceful ambient soundtrack of the kind a therapist tried to get him to listen to after Knifehead. Well, after they first tried a soundtrack of the ocean, who thought that would be a great idea? The soundtracks thereafter though had helped, just enough sound in the background to distract his mind so his body could fall asleep. But it didn’t help the restlessness, and he didn’t get any better after he left the PPDC, quite frankly it only worsened until he had developed a pretty strong insomnia. 

But it really instills a meditative feeling listening to Yancy’s breathing. 

〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜

Raleigh spent the rest of the early morning going back and forth between being awake and slumbering lightly, until he literally felt like clawing up the wall from being still for so long. The nurse on duty had checked in on him somewhere around 9 am, before giving him free pass to move to use the bathroom as long as he left the door unlocked behind him in case of sudden nausea or need of help.

Raleigh had felt marveled at how real the sensations his body gave him was. It felt like he was in his real body, or more like his real body but even better. He didn’t feel physically tired in the way he used to after so many years on rations, he didn’t limp and his shoulder didn’t sting at all when he raised his hands to lather his hair. He felt more energized, breathing was easier on his chest and the constant ache in the back of his skull wasn’t there anymore. 

_ Was this how he used to feel before Knifehead? _ Raleigh had honestly forgotten how he used to feel physically before the dreadful day, having grown so used to the lingering pain in his body. 

He didn’t even seem to have any real circulatory scarring. Raleigh and Yancy had never been beaten so badly in Gipsy before Knifehead that the circulatory burns had scarred. His skin felt naked without them, lighter even, but at the same time he felt ashamed that he enjoyed their absence. The scars had always been a physical reminder of his failures to keep Yancy alive, marks etched onto his physical form like meek reflections of the wounds on his soul from where Yancy had been torn. Raleigh hated them deeply, but he has always felt a twisted satisfaction at the marring of his skin. They were testaments of his sins, his arrogance and hubris that cost him his brother. What they symbolised was his punishment.

Raleigh’s sombre thoughts had been cut when his brother decided to scare him. Or maybe Yancy hadn’t meant to scare him, or maybe he had just strangely appeared without coming into the bathroom ( _ like things sometimes do in dreams _ ), but his sudden presence in the room had scared the shit out of Raleigh. Yancy had just laughed at him, apologizing between breaths. 

The following hours of the morning had been in a lighter mood. Raleigh felt serene in his brothers presence, appreciating hearing his brothers smooth voice. Yancy glanced questioningly at him every once in a while, seemingly confused at his behavior.  _ Well, he had been far more energetic and talk-active back then.  _ But you can dream about being twice as tall as anyone and run around in colourful spandex and the dream-people won’t react, so Yancy reacting to him is both weird and comforting in the way it makes it feel like he’s really there. 

“You’re rather quiet” Yancy stated, not really a question but all the same he voices it in the way he used to when he wanted Raleigh to explain the why of something but not wanting to directly push. Raleigh shrugged.

“I feel like listening today” was his only answer. When he didn’t elaborate under Yancy’s waiting gaze, the concerned and considering pinch between his eyebrows appeared for a short moment before Yancy schooled his features. Yancy righted himself a little bit, a teasing grin on his face.

“So you are finally ready to listen to the wisdom I have to impart on you?” And just like that they were bickering, which quickly derailed into a wrestle match on the floor. When Dr Hughes appeared in the room, Yancy was sitting on Raleigh's back, snickering at his little brothers predicament. 

“Rangers Becket” her tone was exasperated, as if even the thought of having to deal with them makes her want to give up before even having started. 

“Doctor” they answered in union, Yancy finally releasing Raleigh as they move to get up on their feet. 

“If you are ready the MRI-scan is waiting for you” she stats once they had gotten up and turned to face her. Her hair was impeccably pulled back from her face, back straight.  _ She really feels like a military, have I ever meet a doctor that has done service in the field? _

“Ready whenever doc” Raleigh answered her. Dr Hughes mouth gave a slight twist, but he couldn’t tell if it was in amusement or annoyance. She turned while gesturing for them to follow her.

“You know how the procedure goes, so please undress, remove your tags and any jewelry, and put on the gown in the dressing room” Dr Hughes voiced as they made their way along a more metallic, stereotypical shatterdome hall. He looked from side to side as they walked. The doors weren’t elevated like they were in the other corridors of the dome, making it easier to move the hospital beds from room to room. The lighting were stronger here to. He recognised the space, but it had been so long since he walked these halls that he wouldn’t bet money on which direction they were headed. Dr Hughes came to a halt in front of a door,  _ probably the dressing room then _ , and turned to face him properly. Yancy stands laxly at his side. 

“When you’ve changed just come over to the scanning room.” She gestured with her head behind her to a door on the other side of the hall, before continuing on. Raleigh watched her back as she walks.

“You want me to wait here kid?” Yancy asked him. Raleigh glanced at Yancy, then nodded. 

“Yeah, just give me a minute and I’ll be ready” he said, before walking through the door of the dressing room. 

It feel natural to follow what is happening around him, but it also feel like a waste of time. What happens if he doesn’t follow the flow the RABBIT wants him to take? Raleigh wonders as he changes to the gown laid out for him. But he would probably not wake up any quicker if he did though, so he might as well just go along with it, he thinks. 

It’s good Yancy waited for him, as the door he thought Dr Hughes had gestured to wasn’t the one they were going for, but one just around the corner of the halls end. Well inside it’s the usual concerning any brain scans he has done. Dr Hughes gives him the typical reminder to be as still as possible while the scan is happening, before she leaves the room to stand outside where all the screens and Yancy were waiting.

Laying down for the scanning, Raleigh thinks about how he never really liked MRI-scans. You had to lay motionless on the board as it moved you through the machine, and the damn donut shaped machinery makes this rotating pulsing sound echoing right in your ears which you can’t block cause you’re not allowed to wear any earmuffs ‘cause of scanning disruption. Raleigh tries to relax the best he could, letting his mind float adrift and thoughts pass as they come. When it was finally done he was more than happy to get up and away from the annoying machine. Dr Hughes gives him the stink-eye through the glass at his hurry but doesn't say anything as he followed correct procedure. When he is finally out of the room in front of her, she picks something up from the table in front of her and then hands it over to Raleigh. It’s a wide gray band, an simple bracelet, with a thicker square with a red button on the middle. Raleigh takes it and looks up from it at Dr Hughes questioningly. 

“As you haven't showed any signs of problems since waking up, you’re allowed to leave medical while I analyze the scans. Try not to strain yourself, if something feels wrong or you feel nauseated come back to medical immediately. If you can’t make your way back to medical on your own please press the button and we will be alerted.” The Doctors turns slightly to give Yancy, who is leaning against the far wall, a serious look. “Make sure your brother behaves, and behave as well. Don’t rile him up with any more floor-wrestling.” Yancy looks awkwardly sheepish, nodding at her ordering. He pushes away from the wall to move over to his brothers side. Dr Hughes look back at Raleigh.

“I expect you back by 1500.” Her statement is a clear dismissal, clarified if doubted by her turning back to the screens and away from them. Yancy nudged his shoulder against Raleigh’s to gain his attention. 

“Let’s go get some food kiddo. And let’s go look for Tendo while we’re at it, he has been just as worried about you as i have been.” 

“Sure” 

  
The thought of food made him realise he actually does feel hungry.  _ Well touch feels real in here, can I taste food to? _


	4. Halls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The shatterdome is strange too Raleigh and dream-Tendo already has a puppy crush on his future wife

Walking down the halls of the Icebox was a weird experience. He haven't set foot in the shatterdome for almost five and a half years, so it’s unbelievably strange to see them again.  _ It’s like walking through a house of mirrors _ . He didn’t instinctively know where everything was anymore in the way he had when he spent his active duty there, but his subconscious must remember. Either that or it was conjuring it up after what logicaly could fit where. It’s like the shatterdome is the reflection of his confused mind. 

And there’s also so much people, so much bustling. Had it always been like that? Or has his mind put in all the people he has ever seen in a shatterdome into this one dream? The Hong Kong shatterdome had probably housed just above half of the usual personnel, now that he really considered it. Those that stepped foot into it didn’t get any promise of pay, just a roof over their head along with food, and a hope to finally put an end to the Kaiju war. Most of them had been working non stop. The LOCCENT team only had a few extra personnel, so most had spent their waking hours working when crucial. The science division was literally down to two eccentric bickering scientist from the usual numerous lab coats running around trying to solve things that left Raleigh with a headache trying to even comprehend the most fundamental parts of. The J-tech crews were the most numerous but also the most noticable difference in size. There was probably only a third in number to how many there had been back when Raleigh piloted together with Yancy accounted for on every jaeger.

Walking besides Yancy in a direction he was unsure of was also, in lack of better words, unsettling. He and Yancy had always fallen into step with each other, moving symbiotically. They accommodated for at the same time as they mirrored each other. But now that Raleigh was unsure of where to go, he wanted to be just enough behind Yancy to let him set the direction. But Yancy responded to this, and so walking turned into a stumbling instead. Like a computer-lag.

Some people that passed them didn’t react to it, but some looked confused when seeing them walking stiltedly instead of the complete synchronization of swagger in each step that they had always had. It felt incredibly awkward to Raleigh, and a fast glance at his now quiet brother told him Yancy too felt awkward and confused. 

They passed another personnel giving them a strange look. 

Raleigh’s thoughts drifted. RABBIT’s - Random Access Brain Impulse Triggers - are mental triggers that make you latch onto and chase a memory. This isn’t Raleigh relieving any specific memory, it’s a hotpot of memories and concepts of how he has viewed the world come together into a structured dream. That means that no one around him has a separate conscious, how they act and react must then be bound to how Raleigh apprehend and expects the outcomes of the happenings in the dream. Raleigh halts for a moment, which inevitably stops Yancy, who turns and looks at him questiongly. 

“Raleigh?” 

Raleigh stares at Yancy. Of course he is aware no one around him is conscious, he became aware of this dream state only minutes after “waking up” but… Everything seems so real that there are moments he almost could forget it.  _ What happens if I forget that this isn’t real for good? _ The thought is extremely unsettling. For all Raleigh knows he might be in a coma in the real medical, or still out in the ocean with Mako, but what if he gets lost in his own mind before he wakes up? Will he be able to wake up? Drift science is extreme complicated and there are still so much that isn’t understood about it. Raleigh shudders.

“Erm, nothing, let’s just…” Raleigh just nods vaguely in the direction they were going. Yancy furrows his eyebrows, clearly displeased by the answer. But he doesn’t say anything about it, neither does he make a move to continue forward. Yancy simply watches him.  _ He is waiting him out _ . 

Raleigh takes a deep breath, then shakes his head.  _ What’s the purpose of explaining something to a mental impression? _ He moves around his brother and continues down the hall.

“If we don’t hurry we won't catch Tendo before he has gorged himself on so much pastries and coffee he won’t be physically able to eat lunch with us” Raleigh states to diffuse the subject, throwing a look over his shoulder at his brother. Yancy glowers at him, patience probably wearing thin at his continuous ‘different and strange’ behavior the past ‘15 or-so-hours’. 

“Tendo and his pastries are almost as bad as you and your sleep” Raleigh continuous on, cause poking with a stick on a lion is always fun. Yancy snorted at him as he came up on Raleigh side. They fell easier into step this time.

“Well then, as you so nicely have pointed out our flaws, what’s yours?” Raleigh considers the question.

“Recklessness.”

〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜

They found Tendo in LOCCENT, no surprise there. When Raleigh and Yancy came in Tendo sat hunched over his monitors with a coffee mug in hand and crumbles spread on the desktop. Raleigh threw Yancy a smug grin.

“Mr Choi” Yancy voiced, gracefully ignoring Raleigh taunting. Yancy had been jokingly addressing Tendo formally ever after he got his position as LOCCENT chief, it was actually rare that Yancy addressed Tendo by his first name back in the days. Well except when he was either dead-serious or mad. Tendo spun around.

“Becket boys! Look who’s up and running” Tendo exclaimed good naturedly. He rose from his chair, walking up to the brothers. Tendo put a hand on Raleigh’s shoulder. 

“Sorry I haven't been checking in with you since you’ve woken up, there’s new software that needs to enter the system and I haven’t been able to leave it to anyone else” Tendo softly squeezes his shoulder as he apologises. “You feeling good?”

“Nothing to worry about man, I’m feeling quite well” Raleigh answered. Tendo nodded and dropped his hand from Raleigh’s shoulder, his gaze moving over to Yancy.

“Do you wanna join us for lunch?” Yancy asked. Tendo gave them both an appreciating grin. 

“Sure, I’ve totally forgotten about food keeping an eye on the program” he answered. “Just give me five minutes and I’ll have it wrapped up.”

As Tendo turned back to his monitors Raleigh and Yancy moved closer to the wall to be out of the way of the rest of the LOCCENT personnel that was walking back and forth in the room between monitors and snatching papers. It wasn’t the frantic bustling that had been in Hong Kong. There was only a light underlying tension that was natural to any shatterdome, except when right after a won kaiju-fight, cause then there was finally some time to relax and recuperate. Or at least it was in the early days. 

Raleigh leaned back against the wall. He and Yancy stood close enough that their shoulders brushed. Raleigh found it comforting, to remember the feeling of having his brother close enough that just a little movement was enough for them to touch. He leaned just a little bit into his brother, their upper arms pressing lightly against each other. Raleigh saw Yancy glancing at him him through the corner of his eye. When Raleigh didn’t do or say anything further, Yance started to lean back into him. 

It felt like only a moment and forever at the same time, the dream-feeling made a peaceful feeling settle in his chest. Tendo burst the bubble by smacking his hands together. 

“I’m good to go boys.” 

Raleigh couldn’t help the little sigh escaping him, but neither Yancy nor Tendo noticed. 

“What is this update you’ve been working on Mr. Choi?” Yancy asked as they started walking in the direction that was presumably towards the messhall. Raleigh walked closest to the wall, Yancy in the middle and Tendo on Yancy’s other side. 

“It’s for the Kaiju-radiation detectors in the Jaegers. It’s not a physical upgrade, but it’s programmer hopes it will maximise the detectors capacities.” 

“Oh, I’ve never heard of this before, has it just been made?”

“It’s relatively new, but it’s been finished for a few weeks. It’s just, since it’s been so long since the last Kaiju came through the breach, we haven't been willing to integrate it. It could mess with the operating system if discontinued, and that means Gipsy and our LOCCENT needs to be grounded until it’s finished.” Tendo says, then steals a glance at Raleigh. “When Rals became unconscious without logical reasons and didn’t wake up shortly after, you were both effectively grounded based on medical precautions. So we’ve had the chance to integrate it now.”

Raleigh didn’t have any memories of this upgrade, neither from before or after Knifehead. The argument Tendo states pretty much clears why it wouldn't have happened before Knifehead if it had actually been made, and after he wasn’t really all there to remember if it had been done. If it had been programed before Knifehead, would they have known it hadn’t been killed? Would Yancy have -... Raleigh cut of the thought, he had spent to much time thinking of the ‘what if’s already, and doing so wouldn’t change what have already happened. A hand popped in front of his face.

“... hey Raleigh?” Raleigh turned his head towards Yancy and Tendo, both watching him. “You with us?”  _ Had they been talking? _

“Oh, uh... Yeah. Just thinking” Raleigh answered. 

“Oh?” Yancy voiced. Raleigh just hummed and returned his gaze forward, not elaborating. He could see Yancy and Tendo looking at each other through his periphery. 

〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜

Having lunch in the messhall had been interesting. Both cause of the not so discreet pondering and confused stares Yancy and Tendo had continuously thrown at him, and because of Raleigh's struggle with food. 

It wasn’t that he couldn’t eat or something, and the food both tasted real and got his stomach content. It was just that Raleigh had had a hard time coming back to a shatterdome that was willing to give him as much food as he wanted and needed. After 5 years on rations, he had created the tendency to binge whenever abundant food was available and free. These binges had not happened often, but he still caught himself trying to grab all the things offered to him by the chefs. Luckily in Hong Kong Mako had taken it upon herself to pick his food for him after they had first drifted, having seen his memories of handling food after years on rations and also Raleigh’s vomiting by overeating the second day in the shatterdome. It felt easier to just be handed food instead of picking it. 

So when they sat down to eat Raleigh tried to focus on Yancy and Tendo’s conversation as to not start shoving food too quickly in his mouth. Someone stealing your food for being slow wasn’t really a risk here. 

“... has recently transferred from another ‘dome, and she’s ridiculously stunning. Wouldn’t complain about scoring a date with her” Tendo told them of this girl he has run into a few times recently around the shatterdome. 

“Oh? What does she do?” Yancy asked curiously. 

“She works in munitions, the kinds of your plasma cannons. She’s apparently hecking good at improving them too” Tendo answered, an enamored glint in his eyes. Munitions?  _ Didn’t Allison work in that department? _

“Hm, be careful Tendo. I get the feeling she’s might be to badass for you” Yancy joked with a smirk. 

“If you’re the type of man to feel intimidated by a badass woman then you are the weakling here” Tendo shot back, moving his shoulders and hands meaningfully at Yancy with his own smirk. 

“Do you even know her name?” Raleigh voiced teasingly, gaining their attention. Yancy gave him an appreciation smile at the jab, and was that a flicker of alleviation in his eyes? Tendo cocked an amused eyebrow at him.

“Well baby Becket, her name is Allison” Raleigh mirrored Tendo’s facial movement.  _ Had Tendo gotten the hots for Allison this early really?  _

“Hypothetically, if you were to hit it of and get a child, I think it’s weird to name a child grandfather” he said, enjoying the confusion overtaking Yancy and Tendo’s faces. Tendo mouths something, but no words nor sounds came out. Raleigh has to look down at his food to hide the spreading smile of mirth on his face.

Tendo snorts.

“I’ll bet you Becket, if Allison is the mother to my first-born son, I’ll name him Yeye.” Raleigh looks up at Tendo amusedly. The real Tendo didn’t need his teasing for him to decide to name his son Yeye. But Raleigh understood the sentiment, if he ever had a son, he would probably name them Yancy or something of the kind too in honor of his brother. Or maybe a male version of Jasmine in honor of his lost little sister, with Yancy as a middle name? 

Raleigh hummed approvingly. 

“Do you have any other news for us, or are you just relishing in your own puppy crush and the grapevine?” He said, to make the conversation keep flowing. Tendo gave him an amused smile. 

“Well, the Gages are on their way over here. So I guess what I should say is don’t start another prank-war, but I will say please do. It’s always an enjoyment to watch.”  _ And make bets on probably.  _ Yancy lights up at the information.

Raleigh and Yancy had only really had one great prank-war with the Gages. It had happened in their early days when their hero-crushes were still big enough that they couldn’t gain the older pilots attention like proper adults. But the great prank-war of 2018 had created a nice pilot to pilot friendship and mentorship. Occasional pranks did happen though whenever they were in the same shatterdome. 

Their death had felt like another failure for Raleigh. If Yancy hadn’t died because of him, if they had made it out of that God forsaken night together, maybe they could have helped the Gages. If Raleigh would catch a glimpse of them in this dream before he woke up it would certainly be bittersweet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've realised while writing this i have no idea if the tense I'm writing in is consistent, I think I'm writing in the same one continuously? Sometimes switching when appropriate? I've also realised I don't really react to different tenses in written english either (I'm not even sure I do in spoken now that I think about it). Woops
> 
> In the next chapter you will get some answers about the brain scans - *ridiculously cheesy* stay tuned ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave all the comments; love, hate or constructive are all welcome


End file.
